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28.1.07

And the walls keep closing in.....

:(
I should have picked the signs a few weeks ago, but I guess part of me didn't want to see what was happening again.
A couple of months before I had Diva I was put back on my meds and stayed on them till she was about 7 months old. It devastated me. I mean it's called Post Natal Depression right? you are not meant to get it while you are pregnant..it is suppose to happen AFTER you have the baby not before.
Well it's happening again, the walls are closing in, I'm having anxiety attacks, am having terrible terrible mood swings, and as my darling husband puts it..I've lost my spark again, I'm just not me :( It's a little hard to portray who me is when I dont even feel it.
I feel like such a failure admitting that I am struggling, I tried so fucking hard to be strong this time around and it still didn't work. They tell me that in most cases not all cases but most, it will be an event that triggers it, well with Wonder Boy it was his birth, Diva it was the fear of a birth like her brothers, and this one..apparently because I am so stressed I will miscarry again or that there is something wrong with the baby.
My mum asked me to try and describe to her how I felt..the best option I can say to her right now is that I feel like I am drowning and everyone is standing around watching. Then I get angry because I have a wonderful life, which I really honestly do,..I think I scored the worlds best husband and my kids are to die for..yet I'm still fucked in the head. I dont get it..well logically I do, but seriously there are people worse off than me.
So it's back to the Dr's again tomorrow and talking about the possibility of meds and what not.. *sigh*
In the meantime I have a husband and a mother who are wrapping me in cotton wool, and trying to reduce all stress levels..LOL
We'll see how that goes...now if I could just get more than 2 hours sleep a night I would be so grateful!!
Talk to you all soon.
Smooches..

3 comments:

uplatette said...

sweetheart you are NOT a failure
we as women have so much pressure put on us as it is - and you're at a very vulnerable time.
you look after YOU and do what YOU need to get through this
big ((((Hugs)))) to you

Sudiegirl said...

What uplatette said.

hang in there and get the medical help you need. those that care about you will understand.

*Space Cadet* said...

Oh babe! I wish I was there in person to help you. Do anything for you, love! Is there anything I can do for you here? I love you! It will get better! Just wait to the lil jellybean gets here! YAY!!