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8.8.07

Regret...

Ever regret opening your mouth and letting your problems out?? thats about how I feel right now..
I should never have said anything, should never have put it out there. Just should have dealt with it on my own...
It's to raw now, I feel too exposed, and guilty..feel guilty because I've upset people in the process..they feel bad because I do..that wasn't my intention at all.
But this is precisely why I normally just work through things on my own...because I end up feeling guilty because I have upset them or someone about how I feel. :(
I just wish I had never said anything..it's so much easier to put on a fake smile and then process and deal with it on my own..they have enough issues and worries of their own without trying to fix me.
My headspace is so fucked right now..I dont like the person I am, I dont feel good enough to be a part of them..any of them
I feel like if I left right now they would only notice when they needed me for something..kinda sad really isn't it? kinda pathetic too.
I just dont feel like I am a part of anything or anyone..I dont know why I feel like that, I just do, I wish I could explain it better but I cant, and for that I'm sorry.
All I know is that I feel like I'm standing on the edge of my life watching everyone else be a part of it and fit in and I just dont.
There seems to always be someone more needed or more important than me..
Small comfort that the only one that really seems to need or want me is my little prince...
It's amazing how much we as humans need to feel wanted and needed isn't it? How much it does for one's soul, that incredible feeling of Yes I am important, yes I am needed and so very very wanted..
It's all a case of just going through the motions...same thing day in day out..my life really isnt that interesting, I dont really have anything of interest or importance to say, so I quietly sit back and watch them all chat and laugh and feel so incredibly isolated and displaced, not really knowing how to fix it or whether I should actually bother at all..part of me is actually a little sad that no-one noticed, but then that's my own fault for hiding it I guess.
I'm so tired..emotionally and mentally tired..I'm really not sure where to go from here..I guess back to hiding it and putting on the fake smile and pretending the world is a fantastic place..and for the most part it is..I have 3 little people who are I consider my greatest achievements in life, and if that's all I have to offer this world..then watch out world because these kids are going to take you on a hell of a ride..
Sorry for the up and down post..just need somewhere to get my thoughts out and try and process it all on my own..
Stac I miss you like hell honey..I haven't chatted to you in such a long time babe..please email me...
Smooches.

4 comments:

Ral said...

just a quick apology, sorry i've let you down. sorry i can't make it better. sorry it seems so bad at the moment. sorry you're feeling like we wouldn't notice if you weren't here.............believe me we would. you've pulled me through the lowest pits of hell and back, and now let me do that for you. we love you, more than you'll ever know, we need you for you- not what you can do for us. you are a fabulous, beautiful, funny, strong woman. i will tell you that every day if that's what it takes for you begin to believe it again. i love you my dear sweet friend. xoxo

melanie harris said...

Sweetie, they would notice. They would notice that their lives lost the sunshine you give, the love and support you provide and the best friend you are.

I hope you realise they you are needed but also are loved and wanted.

YvonneM said...

Oh dear - (((HUGS))). I am sure that you mean the world to lots of people and that they WOULD notice if you weren't in their world. People sometimes have a different way to showing it. I know how you feel - sometimes I feel displaced and alone and not sure how to make myself fit in without seeming like I'm trying too hard - but then I just remember that I am me and that they need to accept me for who I am and what I have to offer. I don't know you personally - but you seem to be a sweet, loyal and geniune person with a lot to give. Go get 'em honey :)

EquineSpirit said...

((HUGS!!))