Why does it need to be a struggle??

To lose weight? A couple of months ago I had had it and was determined to lose weight, well ummm yeah that worked for about 3 weeks, and then I fell off the wagon and in to a pile of chocolate cake so to speak!! I was hoping to have lost quite a bit of weight before my 30th birthday at the end of the year. Well there aint no way in hell thats going to happen now, bugger it all. I mean its not like I've ever been a bloody supermodel but I am currently at my heaviest weight I have ever been, and its really quite depressing, the only thing that isnt growing and I want to grow is my boobs!! They are still the little lumps they have always been, but now they just have this roly poly body surrounding them, they look like little life jackets bobbing along the water!!!
I think my body hears the word DIET and starts screaming internally, oh my god dont take away the chocolate, the food, somebody save me....... More importantly if I'm going to be really good I need to stay away from the wine and champagne every weekend!! Oh I can see it now this is going to be awful.. Maybe if I become a hermit and dont socialise I will be ok?
So instead of saying I am going on a diet, I think I will just make a concious effort to start eating healthy, the thing that is going to be in my favour is that the warmer weather is here which means salads and fresh fruit, both of which I love!! So I will keep you updated as to how my quest goes LOL!!! I want to aim for 6 kilos before Christmas, fingers crossed I can do it!!!
Now where's the damn bottle of Bella champagne????????? LOL

Bring on the excitement....

I am craving some excitement in my life right now, god that sounds so selfish, I have a great life, but I need more at the moment. Not just something little but a whole lotta heart racing excitement, the kind that most people gasp at. Something naughty, something mischevious!!!! LOL.
Yep, right like thats ever gonna happen!!!! I honestly feel like sometimes I am one of the bloody Stepford wives!! I read that on a thread on a message board I frequent and everything she said was true, I hate that I have put myself in this mould, I am so predictable, everyone knows my routine, where I will be at what time, what I will be doing BLAH BLAH BLAH.
On some days I feel like I am suffocating, and need to conform to this particular way of life, but who makes the rules anyway, why do we have to do it? is it pressure we put on ourselves to be great mothers, great wives, what is it that makes us do it? and how do we change it?
How in the world can we be more spontaneous when we are too concerned with how people percieve us, or whether we are letting someone down? How we behave is meant to be a reflection on us, does that make me even close to perfect? I doubt it!!! LOL
But I can guarantee that if we did something out of the norm we would be labelled irresponsible, wreckless, the list could go on and on!!
So now I am on the hunt for something exciting to do/achieve as long as I can share the excitement with my DH and it will after to be once the kids are in bed or staying over at their nannys house, wouldnt want to set a bad example for them, i rarely even have a drink in front of them. I wonder if thats setting them up to fit in the same mould as me????

It's not meant to be this hard...

Who would have thought that trying to fall pregnant would be this hard? After the miscarriage in January, my body is literally aching to be pregnant again, to know that after 40 weeks of nuturing and looking after myself and the little one inside me, I would give birth to a gentle beautiful soul whom I will spend the rest of my days staring at in amazement knowing full well they were created from a love and partnership my DH and I have for one another.
I just dont get why its becoming so hard, with our other two it just happened, and I didnt have to think about ovulation and when is a good time and all the other crap that goes along with it, we knew we wanted a baby and bang we were pregnant. I get that I am very lucky to have two beautiful kids, whom in all honesty are gorgeous!!! ;) But what I dont get is everyone saying to me that the baby I lost obviously wasnt meant to be and we will have another one.... yep uh hum but we wanted that baby, we would have loved that baby just as much as we love our other 2. No less no more...the same.
I just cant deal with the heartbreak every month anymore, I need to take a break from it all, and I know I should just suck it in and deal with it, especially since I feel so sad for all the women who cannot concieve or have been trying for the longest time. But I am angry and I'm pissed off and heartbroken that we are not pregnant yet. This last month when we thought there may have been a possiblity that I was, to have that test come back negative was heartbreaking, but I think the hardest thing was having to tell my DH and to see the sadness on his face.
See most men that I know are happy to go with the flow and are a little excited about trying for a third when they make that decision but I see how DH is and he is beside himself with excitement that we are going to be adding to our family, so to tell him that it was negative broke my heart and his. Then we just got to a point where we said " you know what we cant change the fate of our life, what will be will be and if we are meant to have another one then it will happen." We need to focus on the 2 that we already have and be thankful that we were blessed with them. So I'm going to shift all my energy in to being thankful for what I have. I recieved an email today which kinds summed it all up for us.
I AM THANKFUL FOR......
*FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
*FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
*FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
*FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
*FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
*FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
*FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING ! BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
*FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..
*FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
*FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
*FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
*FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
*FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
*FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY,
*FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
So there you have it.
Time to be thankful, although between you and me I am still going to have a little hope that there is a little soul out there thats going to join us one day.