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1.10.05

It's not meant to be this hard...

Who would have thought that trying to fall pregnant would be this hard? After the miscarriage in January, my body is literally aching to be pregnant again, to know that after 40 weeks of nuturing and looking after myself and the little one inside me, I would give birth to a gentle beautiful soul whom I will spend the rest of my days staring at in amazement knowing full well they were created from a love and partnership my DH and I have for one another.
I just dont get why its becoming so hard, with our other two it just happened, and I didnt have to think about ovulation and when is a good time and all the other crap that goes along with it, we knew we wanted a baby and bang we were pregnant. I get that I am very lucky to have two beautiful kids, whom in all honesty are gorgeous!!! ;) But what I dont get is everyone saying to me that the baby I lost obviously wasnt meant to be and we will have another one.... yep uh hum but we wanted that baby, we would have loved that baby just as much as we love our other 2. No less no more...the same.
I just cant deal with the heartbreak every month anymore, I need to take a break from it all, and I know I should just suck it in and deal with it, especially since I feel so sad for all the women who cannot concieve or have been trying for the longest time. But I am angry and I'm pissed off and heartbroken that we are not pregnant yet. This last month when we thought there may have been a possiblity that I was, to have that test come back negative was heartbreaking, but I think the hardest thing was having to tell my DH and to see the sadness on his face.
See most men that I know are happy to go with the flow and are a little excited about trying for a third when they make that decision but I see how DH is and he is beside himself with excitement that we are going to be adding to our family, so to tell him that it was negative broke my heart and his. Then we just got to a point where we said " you know what we cant change the fate of our life, what will be will be and if we are meant to have another one then it will happen." We need to focus on the 2 that we already have and be thankful that we were blessed with them. So I'm going to shift all my energy in to being thankful for what I have. I recieved an email today which kinds summed it all up for us.
I AM THANKFUL FOR......
*FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
*FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.
*FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED.
*FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
*FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
*FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
*FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING ! BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
*FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..
*FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
*FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.
*FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.
*FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
*FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
*FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY,
*FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
So there you have it.
Time to be thankful, although between you and me I am still going to have a little hope that there is a little soul out there thats going to join us one day.

2 comments:

mesothelioma-diagnosis-ycg said...

I came across your site while surfing some blogs. I have a Maternity site about Maternity and you can check it out HERE.

Nancy said...

Miscarriage is a painful thing.
I had one about 1 year ago and I still think daily about it.
The baby would be turning 1 this week had it come to term.
HUGS to you and sometimes we do need to be thankful for what we do have - but it can never replace the void we lost.