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26.8.07

Happiness....

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today and I'm going to be happy in it.
-Groucho Marx

This is going to be my new motto from now on.
I broke last night, really broke...rock bottom broken..I'm suffering from depression and I can't see an end in sight right now. I'm going back to the Dr's and I think I'm going to need stronger meds.. I can't pretend anymore, I'm not happy, I haven't been for a while which makes me so angry..from the outside I have this amazing wonderful life, and I do..it's perfect...then why aren't I happy? I can't figure it out. Makes me so angry, apparently that's the emotions, emotions I cannot control right now, and I'm no good to anyone like this. So I need to fix it, last night was my lowest..I had to tell 3 of my closest friends, 3 people who mean the world to me.I was petrified that they would walk away, I lost so many friends in the past once they found out, and I know that they weren't true friends to begin with, but it stings and surfaces a whole lot of insecurities that I dont want to face, or deal with. They have promised me that they are not going anywhere and that they will stand beside me, behind me and in front of me if that's what is needed right now..
So all I can do is hope, hope that it doesn't seem to hard for them, hope that I don't bring them down when I'm having an off day, hope that they wont look at me with pity on their face. The rational part of me knows that this is an illness, but the irrational part of me is telling me that it's all my fault, that I'm screwed in the head.
It's a cruel, nasty horrible, disease, one that completely takes over your life. That has the power to control every emotion you have, and you have no control over it, you are powerless to try and maintain some sort of normality, some feeling of being in control, being the mum who is happy all the time.
That in itself scares me, the complete lack of control, all my life I have had control, to the point where I was a control freak, right now I have none, I question everything I do, from the slightest decisions to the major ones. I am completely insecure about who I am as a person and what I can offer people. I honestly couldn't tell you what I actually like about myself, all I can tell you is that I am not this whiny, clingy, paranoid, sad person. I don't know who I am anymore and it scares me.
If I dont know who I am, how the hell is everyone else suppose to know??
And what if I am setting up a pattern for my kids to suffer depression? the thought terrifies me, I couldn't bear them ever feeling like this, it would break my heart. They should never have to feel this sadness. And what if they increase the dosage of my meds and I never come off them? what if I am on them for the rest of my life? am I ever going to be able to function without them?
I'm really going to try and live by that motto every day now, I need something to hang on to right now. And at the moment it's my kids, my husband, my best friend and hope...Hope that they don't realise they deserve better and walk away from me...

Donna, honey, you asked me to do a layout with all the things I am grateful about...I've tried so many times to do it, and every time I try I start crying again, so sweetheart this list is for you, my list of gratefulness, my list of what's pulling me through right now...

*My husband, without him I honestly wouldn't be around..
*My kids, my centre of my world, they balance me, and make me realise that I have to fight this
*My best friend, the female version of Scotty..there are days I just need to hear her voice and things seem better, right in that moment, when time stands still, things are better.
*The tiny little voice in my head..saying "just hold on, if you get through this crap, life will be amazing"

That's all I have right now honey, but I will be adding to it..I promise you...

So if anyone is actually reading, thanks for listening to me go on about falling apart, if no-one is reading, I think this is going to be the best way for me to process things and get it out there.

Over and out..
Tam

9 comments:

Donna Hooper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Donna Hooper said...

When you think you can't smile...I'll be your laughter honey.

I'm here for you too and not going to turn away.

love ya

Lis said...

Sending you huge big cuddles honey, I love you, im not going anywhere, im here for you.

Renee said...

My heart breaks for you. I know what hell it is to go through this... and I know what hell it is to have gone through it, come out of it and then to go through it again, this time with the awareness that you are going through it.

Do what you need to do. It all comes down to that... do what you need to do.

Always, always there for you...

~Kathryn~ said...

sending you lots of (((Hugs))) good on you for getting the help you need
- you'll get through this !!

Ngaire said...

Tam I just wanted to let you know that you arent alone. If you want me to pop over to Ballarat after work to be there and listen to you vent, chat whatever just say it and I will be there. I am not one of those people that is going to go running.

*Southern Beall* said...

I love you tons & tons & tons. I miss you to death.

YvonneM said...

First - (((Hugs))).
Second - good on you for being able to recognise and deal with this and get the help you need - that's a big step in itself.
Third - hang on to that motto - and think it each and every morning - it sounds like a great motto and I think I might even use it myself :)
Look after yourself - remember, you are worth it.

melanie harris said...

Remember that motto and say it outloud when you look in the mirror.
You are a good person and I know that you can beat this.