So I thought that when I started posting again, I would just have it as a light hearted blog, talk about sunshine and lollipops and all that crap LOL But then I figured that why?? it's my blog, if people don't like what I write then move along, (that's if people still actually read it LMAO)
For the most part my life is sunshine and lollipops as much as I can make it, but there are some days when its just mud and slush and yuck.
Today is one of those said days...and rather than walk out the front door and my family and friends here knowing about it I figured I'd get my thoughts out here...
My darling Diva is struggling, socially it seems to be getting harder and harder for her and I'm really not sure how to help her with that, and I know a lot of it is her age, but add the extra struggle of aspergers on top and she feels her world is falling apart. Her favourite friend has hurt her repeatedly lately according to my girl...I won't go in to details of what this friend said but when putting myself in Diva's shoes she must be heartbroken, and I think that's the reason we have seen so much anger from her this week of a morning about going to school, of course once she gets there she puts on her perfect persona and goes through the motions of the day but once that car door closes that's another issue...I would give anything to make it even 1/10th little bit easier for her...where we go to from here I'm not sure..and honestly I don't particulary feel like we have a lot of support, everyone says they are there for us but if we get down to it, they're not...and particulary when I find out they think we make it worse than what it is, yup cos that's it people we want to make her life so much harder for her...so hubby and I just decided we wont really be telling people what's happening with her, bit of a protective preservation for her.
The other thing on my mind today is family, wouldn't it be nice to have one of those wonderful TV families that seem so happy and supportive of each other? yeah right...a particular family member of mine is being really hurtful to me and honestly this person has no idea that I know the extent of what they are doing, my heart honestly hurts to find out that they are no better than my so called friends, bitching about me behind my back, saying that I'm intruding and taking over and stealing friends...for goodness sake are we in kindergarten..hubby keeps telling me to let it go, and honestly I am trying, I don't let this family member know but it's really really hurting..I put on a face a technique learnt from my gorgeous daughter and not let anything slip about how I really feel, then come home and fall apart to hubby. Aside from having it out with them there really isn't a lot I can do about it...they make me out to be this horrible person, who they can't come to, they don't trust etc etc I wonder if they stopped and looked at how they treat me would they think it was wrong or just continue to do it. This family member means the world to me but honestly I really do think that at this point the fakeness will just have to continue because what other option do I have? tell them I know what they are saying behind my back and they should really look at their friendship circle on who they can trust when they are bitching and have them deny ever saying those things or let it go and hope that one day they will see I'm not the enemy and I actually love them more than they will ever realise? for now..it's in the to hard basket. :/
The same could be said about some certain friends in my life right now...I find out what they are saying behind my back and they know I have found out, yet not once have they made themselves accountable for saying it, now I got this information second hand so it could be a little distorted but honestly they have never denied saying it, that too hurts...a lot and yet here I am, running back to them trying to repair a friendship that honestly I don't know if they want anymore?? where is the effort on their behalf? have they made contact with me? bothered to ask if i want to do something? hmmm nope...friendship is a 2 way street not a freakin mexican standoff to see how makes an effort first...I seriously do feel like I'm in a bad reality tv show at the moment...these friends are quick to judge me and my behaviour and be furious with other people's behaviour but are they accountable?? nope not ever...Im trying to make the effort to repair but honestly when it doesn't feel like it's reciprocated when do you stop? when do you say enough? is it when you aren't sure what the reception is going to be from these friends? or is it when you have extended the olive branch? people say that sometimes its best to leave things unsaid, is it sometimes better to lay it all out so as to repair things or do you really just put it to the back of your mind and be forever cautious?? I'm not sure I want friendships like that..
I tend to take people on face value, I'm to trusting and to caring my hubby says..but ah well that's who I am, I do look for the good in people, I do believe there is good in everyone just not everyone realises their full potential to be a good person...and it's a value I'm trying to instill in my kids but how do I do that when they see and observe the rubbish that people are dishing out to me?? now I'm not perfect, good god I'm so far from it it's ridiculous but I do try to be there always for my family and friends...hmmm looks like this is another to hard basket problem for now...
Thanks for listening to me vent/offload/thought process... I promise next post will be sunshine and lollipops.
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